Healthy Teen Friendships and Relationships
Friendships and relationships are important to all of us. They give us a sense of belonging and a system of support when things go wrong. How many times have you called your best friend after the worst day of your life? We all have. More importantly, healthy friendships and relationships can be a form of a protective factor. Protective factors are conditions or attributes in individuals, families, and communities that promote the health and well-being of children and families. Healthy friendships and relationships can also help encourage healthy behavior and to avoid unhealthy behaviors such as alcohol or substance use.
At the end of this blog, I will include a chart with comparisons to both healthy and unhealthy friendships and relationships. Also, stay tuned for part 2, when I will get into teen dating violence and the warning signs for parents, teachers and teens.
What Are “Healthy” Friendships and Relationships?
I am so glad that you asked! A “healthy” friendship or relationship can be with your parents, your friends, your partners, your teachers, your coaches, your boss, and so on. One of the first things that indicates a healthy friendship or relationship is safety, stability and comfort. You should always feel comfortable talking to these individuals. They should not judge you or make you feel like you have to hide your true self. And most importantly, there should be a mutual sense of trust. These are all keys to healthy communication. Your feelings should be validated and you should always feel heard.
“Healthy” friendships and relationships should also be a space where you feel comfortable enough to speak up when you do not feel heard or you do not agree with the behavior of these individuals. For example, if your friends are participating in bullying, you should be able to freely tell them that you think it is wrong without worrying about them retaliating or leaving you out of social opportunities. You should not feel like you must act, dress or speak a certain way in order to fit in. You should never feel like you must go along with whatever they are doing in order to keep the friendship or relationship.
Signs of “Unhealthy” Friendships or Relationships
Let’s say your friendship or relationship constantly pressures you into drinking, vaping, using drugs or taking part in questionable activities in order to be their friend or partner. Or you feel like you have to hold back on your interests because they might not be “cool.” You might think that your parents expect you to behave a certain way and it upsets you, but you feel unable to tell them why. These are all good indicators of an unhealthy or imbalanced friendship or relationship.
Why Are Healthy Friendships and Relationships Important?
Honestly, this is a great question! Our friendships and relationships with family, friends, partners, teachers, coaches, etc. are all foundations for our future selves. If we have a parent, coach or teacher who constantly criticizes us, we may grow up to fear criticism. If we grow up in a chaotic household with abuse or arguing, we may grow up to accept these as normal and “healthy” when they are not. Every friendship or relationship sets the tone for our future interactions with others. While we may think that something is “normal” or “part of life”, we may overlook how vital it is to our ability to set boundaries.
What Can I Do As a Parent to Help My Child?
It would be so much easier if parenting came with an instruction manual. I get it. Since we do not have one, let’s start with recognizing how children develop. Kids begin feeling very intense and primal emotions through adolescents. Their brains are still developing and everything feels like a crisis. As parents, it is important to model healthy coping skills and to teach our children how to deal with those unpleasant emotions or physical sensations. We also must do this in a way that will not harm our child or lead our child to harm others with their behaviors. The last thing that will help is you telling your child or letting your child hear you say things like “just punch him in the face” or “sometimes I just want to strangle them.” While we understand that this is a way to vent our emotions as adults, children do not. They might be liable to punch someone in their actual faces. That is no bueno.
Also, be mindful of your child’s individualism and their social skills. Do not try to force a shy child to be invited to sleepovers or birthday parties, if they are anxious or overly shy. Instead, offer ways that your child can meet friends with similar interests. For example, if your child is into anime or comics, consider attending local Comicons or collectible conventions for them to explore.
If your child has conflict with their friend, teacher or partner, make sure that you are calm and allow them space to try to work through these emotions. When you are both calm, ask if they would like to talk about it and offer to help in any way that you can. Help them to foster healthy conflict resolution skills that include talking to, writing letters to or having a mediator to assist in repairing the friendship or relationship. It does not matter if the conflict seems petty to you or that you do not agree with one or the other. What matters is that your child is faced with a decision that can damage or repair their friendship or relationship. Help them find out how they feel and what they think would be best for them.
Be DIRECT! There is nothing wrong with asking “how are you feeling about ____?” when it comes to a conflict in a friendship or relationship. It acknowledges the source of the conflict and can help your child to identify their specific emotional responses to the conflict. It can also show that you are being supportive and not pushy or intrusive.
Teach your children empathy. All too often, we get wrapped up in our own emotions and forget that conflict generally involves two or more people. If you help your child or yourself to understand the conflict from the other person’s point of view, you may find that your initial response is not healthy. If your child one day says they don’t want to see their friend because the “friend is annoying,” ask them what specifically annoys them. Vague statements are not emotionally intelligent responses to real world situations. If your child says that their friend is stupid, talk to them about how they would feel if their friend called them stupid.
The goal is to validate and acknowledge their emotions, while protecting them and their friends or partners from further damage to their relationship. Never minimize emotion or tell someone to “calm down,” “get over it,” “suck it up” because those feelings are real. They may not be rational. But they are real.
Also, be involved in your child’s life. Go to sporting events or offer to drive your child and their friends somewhere. They may see it as embarrassing. The truth is that children’s interests are constantly evolving. The music they like, the clothes they wear and their growing interest in a partner may seem to change daily. As a parent, you should try to figure out whether your child is changing because they want to or if it is because they want to fit in. Think of movies like “Mean Girls,” “Heathers,” and “Insatiable.” Each has a character who takes extreme measures to be popular. In the end, it is just not worth it. We deserve to be who we are and loved for our authentic selves. World be darned!
Work on an excuse with your child for situations that make them uncomfortable. If your child is invited to a party and say there are drugs, tell your teen that they can text you or call you at any time. Never force your child to stay somewhere uncomfortable. Help your child come up with ways to avoid situations like this that involve peer pressure. In the case of drugs, your child could learn to say “no thank you. I can’t with my medication” or “no thanks. I have to be up early.” These may help them to avoid unwanted questioning about their personal choice.
Also, watch for signs of social isolation or of toxic friendships and relationships. If your child is suddenly spending more time at home when they typically go out, try to find out why. These could be signs of conflict such as bullying or disagreements with friends and partners. If your child is around friends or partners that you do not like, find ways to be specific and talk to your child. For example, “I don’t like Joey” is not going to get you anywhere. Try something more like “I noticed that Joey vapes and I am a little concerned about how that will impact you.” From here, you can talk about the legal age of a substance, concerns if this person is driving your child around and other concerning and dangerous behaviors. Avoid relying on gossip or “reputations” that you have “heard.” Make observations based on personal interactions and observations with the individual and talk to your teen about them.
Ultimately, you are the parent and your child depends on you. Their brains are still developing and the world seems overwhelming. Their responses and choices may seem chaotic and irrational. Thankfully, they have you. Keep up with your child’s needs, changes in behavior and moods and look out for signs that something has changed. Monitor their phone use and social media activity to be sure that they are not engaging in bullying or being bullied. Also, be aware of their friends and get to know any adults in your child’s life. You may feel like you are invading your child’s privacy, but you are actually helping them to avoid negative situations.
If you would like more information, please feel free to access the resources below:
https://opa.hhs.gov/adolescent-health/healthy-relationships-adolescence
https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics