Recently, I wrote a blog on healthy friendships and relationships. Today, I want to talk about what unhealthy relationships look like. Maybe you are a teen who is getting ready to date or you are already dating. Maybe you are a parent who is concerned that something about your child’s relationship is a little “off.” Hopefully, by the end of this blog, you will have a better insight into what I mean by teen dating violence, the many forms that it can take on, and how to help yourself, a friend or your children.
Relationship abuse is defined as “a pattern of unhealthy behaviors towards a current or former intimate partner in order to gain or maintain power and control. Usually, the behaviors start off subtly and get worse over time. Common factors of relationship abuse are intimidation, fear, and manipulation. Anyone can experience abuse regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, class, or religion.”
Teen dating violence can manifest in physical, emotional, sexual, and digital forms. To be clear: abuse is not always physical.
How Common Is Teen Dating Violence?
· 1 in 3 will experience abuse from a dating partner between the ages of 11-24
· 16-24 year olds experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence
· Some children are experiencing these behaviors as young as 11
Digital Dating Violence
One of the most common forms of teen dating violence is digital abuse and digital violence. This involves the use of phones, tablets, computers, laptops, tracking devices, cameras, etc. in a way to gain, maintain power or control over someone. One form of digital dating violence involves engaging in stalking or harassing behavior against another person even after they ask you to stop. This can take the form of negative comments or reviews on social media sites. It can also include leaving continuous messages even after you do not respond. These do not have to escalate in order to be abusive, but they can. They can simply be unwanted pokes, waves, DMs or comments on your profiles. It can include escalations as you do not respond. For example, if a person says hello, that is acceptable. From there, if they begin to use extra question marks or exclamation points (“where are you???” or HELLO!!) this is a sign of a potential problem. This can also escalate to the point of personal insults, threats to break up, threats to withhold sex, etc. You do not have to know someone to experience digital abuse and digital violence.
The examples above are more immediate examples. However, digital abuse and violence can also be an accumulation or pattern of established behavior that cause discomfort, concern, anxiety, etc. Let me start with a question. Have you ever stopped to count how many times a day that you receive a call or text from your boyfriend or girlfriend? (No? You should!) How many times would you consider too much? Digital dating violence can involve constant calls or texts, being forced or pressured into sharing passwords, blackmail, online stalking and online harassment. Imagine that you make plans with your family or friends and tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you will not be able to call them or hang out. How would they react?
Would they still try to call or text?
Would they show up unexpectedly?
Would they make an excuse or make up an emergency to see you?
How would they react if you did not answer their calls or texts?
Would they make you feel guilty for not dropping everything?
OR?
Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever asked you to see your phone or tablet?
Have they tried to get your username and passwords for your email and social media accounts?
Have they tried to encourage/coerce/force you to have a joint social media account?
Have they made accusations or odd remarks about individuals on your friends’ list and tried to imply that you are cheating?
(If you answered yes to these questions, you may be experiencing digital dating violence.)
How To Protect Yourself Against Digital Dating Violence
1) Consider that every photograph that you take, every post that you make on social media and every time that you “check in” or allow a location to be posted, it is permanent and it is traceable. People who engage in digital dating violence can and will use these scenarios against you, even if they say that they would never do that.
2) Change your passwords frequently. If you write them down, make sure that they are not in a place that an abuser might find them. Be sure to put a PIN or a lockscreen on your devices and do not allow others to watch you log in. Do not share passwords.
3) Reconsider joint accounts. Sure, they look cute. But what happens when you break up? Who gets control of the account and the information that was used in it? It is perfectly acceptable to say no to a joint account.
4) If you have taken a photograph or had one taken of you and it is posted online without your consent, you do have options. Please see the resources below for help for yourself, a friend/loved one or for your child. There are laws in many states about revenge porn, child porn, etc. that protect victims from having photographs shared without your consent.
Sexual Dating Violence
The other most common form of dating violence is sexual dating violence. Sexual dating violence can also take on many forms. It can involve being coerced or pressured into being touched or having sex when you do not want to. If you do not feel like having sex or you are not ready to engage in sexual activity with a partner, you have a right to say no at any time. It does not matter how many other times you have said yes. It does not matter whether you made plans to do this. No is a complete sentence!
Sexual violence can involve things like the threat of exposure. If you have taken a private picture for your partner and they threaten to share/post it after an argument or a breakup, this is a form of both sexual and digital violence. If your partner tries to control what you wear, either when they around or not around, this is a red flag. If your partner tries to control what you post on your personal social media profiles, this is a red flag No one should tell you what to wear, what to like, what to post or who to be around. If a partner talks to others about what you do, or have done, in private, this is a form of sexual violence.
Emotional Dating Violence
So far, we have talked about sexual and digital dating violence. All of these forms fall under the category of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others.
One way that emotional abuse can manifest is through acts of love bombing or the practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them. A person may be overly affectionate or attentive in the hopes of persuading you to give up on planned activities or time away from them. They may do it in order to gain your trust and your loyalty. They may also quickly discontinue this affectionate behavior in retaliation for you saying no.
Another way that emotional dating violence can manifest is with age/ageism. If a partner is older (even slightly) and uses phrases like “you’re acting like a baby,” “you’re being childish,” “you’re so immature,” etc., this is a sign of emotional abuse. They may use their age as leverage when making decisions and try to convince you that they know better than you because of their age. Do not allow this!
If a partner is encouraging you to break household rules like curfews or having a partner over when your parents are not home, this is a form of emotional abuse. It can also include insults, putdowns, roasts, name calling, blaming, criticizing, exposing private information such as secrets or personal struggles, silencing, gaslighting or destroying property. It can include being told that you “are too sensitive” or “if you really loved me, you would.” A partner who ignores your feelings or who puts their own wants/needs over yours is not a supportive partner.
If a partner takes one of your belongings and hides it in order to watch you stress out, this can be a form of dating violence. Wanting to see your partner be stressed or fearful is not alright. If your partner has ever placed you in a situation like this, I encourage you to re-evaluate your relationship and consider talking to someone about this.
Physical Violence
When we talk about physical violence, most people think of punching, slapping, kicking, pushing or shoving. It can also include forcefully grabbing someone by the hand, arm or other body part. When it comes to teens, physical violence tends to start out much less obvious and then escalates. It can begin with play fighting, tickling, sitting on top of someone, shoving or pushing, etc. The more that a victim ignores or justifies this behavior, the more room the abuser has to escalate their behavior. Choking, suffocation or strangulation can be signs of physical violence. If these actions are being included in your sexual activities, it could be a warning sign that you are at risk. You do not need to have bruises, scratches or visible marks in order for something to be considered abuse. If you are uncertain, please reach out to the resources below. Talk to a trusted friend, parent, teacher, coach, etc. Do not question whether it is or is not abuse. If you think it might be, ask. If you see someone being mistreated, say something to an adult.
Why Do People Stay In These Relationships?
This is a question that we might all ask ourselves from time to time. Rest assured, victims ask themselves this very question. However, it is a form of victim-blaming or victim-shaming and it does not help. If you have watched the Netflix documentary “Murdaugh Murders,” then you already heard one reason. Morgan began dating Paul Murdaugh and was excited to date someone from such a rich and well-known family. However, she quickly learned that Paul and his family were not concerned with her wellbeing. One night, Morgan recounts driving with Paul when he lost control of his truck and they went off the road, ending up in a ditch. Morgan was scared. When Paul’s family arrived, they were more concerned about removing guns from the truck, than they were with Morgan and Paul’s safety. They chastised Morgan for calling 911.
Paul was also involved in a boating accident that claimed the life of one of their friends, Mallory. The Murdaughs claimed that if they “did not find a body, there was not a crime.” The boat was removed swiftly and the family tried to place another teen as the driver. In this scenario, money, power, influence and popularity can cause someone to fear “crossing” their partner or their partner’s friends and family. How many times have we heard stories of celebrities and athletes being accused of sexual assault or domestic violence? In many of those cases, police and prosecutors choose not to pursue charges. The victim’s past is used to discredit them and the victim is outcasted for “lying” or trying to “smear” the good name of the accused. We see schools, colleges and universities covering up sexual assaults when prominent individuals or families are involved and we hear about police blaming the victims. Sometimes, victims feel as if their experience will be treated the same way.
On the other hand, a victim may stay because their abusive partner is popular and they have expanded their friend circle and their own popularity. Leaving this person or accusing this person of abuse places them at risk of losing this social status, mutual friends of the abuser and even not being believed. For younger individuals, this is a significant factor in their decision to stay.
Another reason that many victims of teen dating violence stay in the relationship or remain silent is because of a lack of support or perceived lack of support. If a victim does not have a trusted friend, parent, teacher, adult, faith leader, etc. in their lives, they are less likely to come forward.
Self-esteem and a family history of domestic violence can also cause a victim to stay in an abusive relationship. If someone is struggling with their self-worth and self-esteem prior to becoming the victim of abuse, they are less likely to stand up for themselves. If someone feels that their self-worth, popularity and acceptance are based on a relationship, they may stay.
Legally, some states can make it harder for teens to obtain restraining orders against an abuser. They may need their parental permission to file a restraining order. If a victim feels that they will not be believed by their parents, they are less likely to stand up for themselves. Teens are also much more likely to tell a peer than they are to tell an adult.
Understanding consent is also a huge barrier to identifying abuse. If a victim does not understand what consent is and feel empowered enough to revoke consent, then they may continue stay in an abusive relationship. Teens For Courage is a great resource on how to define consent in a relationship.
Lastly, your teen may stay in a relationship if they see an “end” in sight. They may avoid a breakup or confrontation because their partner is going off to college or one of you is moving. They may truly believe that after a summer vacation apart that things will change.
What Can I Do?
Talk to your child about the signs of teen dating violence. Prepare them for what to do if they are ever in a situation that makes them uncomfortable and offer to pick them up wherever they are, whenever they call. Know who your children are around and have contact information for parents if your child is leaving the house with their partner or others. Offer to be there no matter what and stick to it.
If you are a teen, learn more about how dating violence is showing up in your age group. Times are changing and so are behaviors. Do not ignore abuse. If you see something, say something. Talk to your friends about whether or not they have ever experienced abuse. Find out if they have ever been in a situation that made them uncomfortable, fearful or like they had no say in what was happening. Offer to be there if a friend is experiencing abuse or uncertain about whether they are being abused. Talk to your parents. Tell a teacher. Tell a coach. If you have a trusted adult, reach out. If you find out that this is more common than you thought, consider starting a support group for other teens. Look into opportunities to join youth coalitions. Reach out to Prevention organizations and ask what you can do.
When talking to your teen, make sure that you are using age-appropriate and evidence-based resources. Avoid talking vaguely about abuse. Be specific. I have included numerous resources below that are designed specifically for teens and their families.
What Should I Avoid Doing?
Most importantly: DO NOT JUDGE! If your child calls you, do not bring up the irrelevant. If your child calls for help, their safety and wellbeing should be your number one priority. Do not ask what they were doing sneaking out, if they have been drinking/using drugs, etc. Do not criticize what they are wearing or what they are posting on social media. (All of these are legitimate concerns. However, there are conversations that you should be having before a situation like this comes up.)
Sadly, one of the most common things that we see in teen dating violence is ageism. Parents and other adults will say things about relationships that can be very damaging. Avoid using phrases like “puppy love,” “it’s not that serious,” “you’ll find someone else,” etc. These can all make a teen feel as though things are “not that bad.” Not only will they not trust you enough to come to you, they will think that you do not understand them as an individual. They may feel as though they cannot have a conversation with you and they will be less likely to come to you in the event of abuse. They may also justify the behavior of their abuser, even if you did not talk about the specifics of the behavior.
Do not assume that you know what is going on in your child’s life or what dating looks like now. Ask questions and avoid judgement or reactions that may shut down the conversation. Acknowledge if you make a mistake or make your teen feel as though you are not listening/understanding.
Risk And Protective Factors
Risk factors are things that can increase the likelihood of adverse experiences. Protective factors are things that can decrease the likelihood of adverse experiences. When it comes to teen dating violence, risk factors may include (but are not limited to):
- Racism
- Classism
- Poverty
- History of abuse
- Unsupportive environment at home/school
- Prior exposure to violence (ex: family history of domestic violence)
Protective factors may include (but are not limited to):
- Social opportunities (sports, faith based, volunteering, healthy friendships, etc.)
- Positive role models
- Economic stability
- Supportive adults
- High self-esteem
- Positive coping skills
Conclusion
Teen dating violence can happen to anyone regardless of age, class, gender, etc. It does not discriminate. Understand that teens need positive affirmations and proof that you support them regardless of their decisions. How we show up in the world is how the world shows up for us. Teens are complex individuals who are navigating a complex world full of mixed messages and changing social conditions. They need to know that you love them and that you are there for them no matter what. They are also teens with developing brains. Their problem solving and critical thinking skills are still developing and their rational brain is not always making decisions.
Work on acknowledging your teen’s strengths and recognizing what qualities make them strong. Teach them to be assertive, to set clear boundaries and to stand up for themselves in negative situations. Also, teach them to be assertive. Spend time with them developing healthy coping skills and provide alternative activities if your teen needs a break from a friend or partner.
If you or a loved one are experiencing dating violence of any kind, please contact the New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline. It is available 24/7 to provide confidential support over the phone, via text or through the cat feature on the website below.
To call: 1-800-942-6906
Text: 1-844-997-2121
To chat: https://www.resourceconnect.com/nysdvsachat/chat
Resources:
https://www.ny.gov/programs/teen-dating-abuse-awareness-and-prevention
https://www.teensforcourage.org/consent/